I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness-- Jeremiah 3:3

Monday, March 8, 2010

CROSSROADS



Fear and anxiety are real.

So, how does faith happen in the midst of all these? While it is true that God was and is in control, it is still an uphill climb to be right in the middle of a fix. I wouldn't be surprised if the Israelites grumbled at Moses and indirectly to God to the point of causing Moses to strike a rock twice when he was clearly told to only speak to it and bingo, the answer to faith would come spurting. Well, despite the failure of execution, water did come out. As to obedience, that's another question. The important thing is, faith works. Neither should I be stunned by Moses for blowing his top. One thing is sure, faith is tough. The difficulties are harsh.

The stark difficulties become even harsher after the I do's and after the first cry of the first baby. All the more reason that the singles should not be too itchy to jump into this quagmire called marriage. I do not intend to sound regretful or nostalgic of the things past. It's just that it is true what many say, "Reality bites." In fact, reality grabs you unawares and devours you sapping all your energy at crucial times.

And crucial time is now.

While I like this dainty, expensive project in front of me, presented to me by my student from an affluent family in this institution of affluent kids, I could not help contrast this high-priced creation made of costly materials what my humble home suffers from as of this moment. Nahh, we still have food in the table, water in the fridge and enough clothing to cover us which is generally not bad. But looking closely to bills and debts in tow, all these basic things may just disappear few weeks from now.

Tomorrow, I would not know where to get money to pay these bills and carry-over debts from the time when I delivered my baby. At the time I was practically jobless. I would have had not much of this problem if I decided not to get pregnant and have Shekinah. But the choice I made will be the same choice given another tummy-bulging nine months--same excruciating labor pains, same debts, same nostril-expanding Shekinah cry.

So, here, this little woman is at crossroads again: leave this present work and go back to the public where future benefits lie (but wait when to get hired which would perhaps take months, months of fasting and famine) or stay in this private institution and be assured of a job next year. This is probably the time when faith comes to play--huh, easier said than done, all right. I tell you, this is scary.

At times, I don't think about it. Why? I don't want to wrestle with my own doubts. It's bloody.

But I have no choice. Pretty soon, I will have to face all these.

Maybe, tonight.

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