OUR FATHER, MY BROTHER, OUR PASTOR

It's amazing how God can make all things grow--even men.


I remember him when I was 9. Three decades have allowed me to see his growing pains including mine under his tutelage, under his ministry. 


In those years, somewhere there, I thought I snapped; I thought our friendship and "sibling bond" have snapped. I thought one more shove, and things will graduate from brittle to broken. But the great Omnipotence, the healer of all sores is good and perfect in using time to blur what used to be excruciating.


Now I see him preaching tonight in our midweek service. He stands there like no one has ever stood before preaching about Jonah and the guy's lack of humility in the forefront of God's order to go to a place of people whom Jonah thought are abominable, now considered forgiven, loved again by his own God, by his own commander.


But in his sermon, I'm seeing a lot of things so differently. Now I see the man preaching clearly without even trying. I hear the sermon because finally the man I'm seeing now is my brother again. The minister I'm seeing now has become a real father to me, a real pastor of an often-time confused sheep like I am. 


For the first time, my eyes are welling up--too overwhelmed of so much respect--respect for this man who could equally say with me, "God is not finished with me yet." He might be under construction before and he might still be now. But I am amazed at how much wisdom and God's blessing have made him grow to be a man whom I can call father.

Boy, am I so glad Pastor Nats came to Banawa Church in 1995 when we needed a father. Most of all I am so glad he never gave up on the church! Not on me, not on us!

Coming home to my Man

I used to hear clamors from married women that men are silly and childish. As to how men can be that preposterous despite their swagger and relentless pride just escaped me until I married one of them.

I am not in the position to hammer this on any man, much more on my man, so to speak. Yes, men and women are created totally different from each other in strengths and weaknesses. What my women friends say about men may have sprung from what they presume as proper for a man.And as to how men behave in crucial moments of decision or indecision compared to how we, women react may be less impressive as I myself have witnessed one of them dealing his own crisis as well.

I think of how my husband often reduces himself to a helpless sheepish pesky child each time he's at my mercy. As to what case does this normally occur, I couldn't let slip for now. But in moments like this, instead of berating him, deep inside I pity him. Initially, I get exasperated. I would think men are too self-absorbed not considering a woman's day's predicament. Then I would think he needs me to understand his needs and needs me to be there as I need him to understand my need as well. But I tried to forgo necessary remedial actions! I would say "later," I'll fix that one.

Then he texted me one morning while I was in the mix of things in a national seminar. He said he misses what  I used to be to him before. This summer vacation I have been absent. He has been alone in his emotions when he needed me.

Right there, I was jolted. I knew even before then that I was quite of a slack as a woman, more so as a wife. I might have been an A++ as a mommy but not as a wifey. And unexpectedly, in his unpredictable quiet way, my husband has beaten the crap out of me.

Time to go home.

I DON'T KNOW

Author Willingham's thoughts in his book Crumbs for the Would-be Christlike Christians were staggering. They struck a chord that drives my appetite for reading crazy. 


He said,"I try as much as possible to steer away from talking or from preaching heavy doctrines" like that one where the Armenians and the Calvinists differ.  I got a little bit flabbergasted when he wrote that confession, coming from a Nazarene veteran professor, writer, and preacher himself.


 I admit I kind of found a home in what he said. Contrary to what younger generations expect from us theology graduates and literature teachers, we have some things that we remain uncertain about.  And I'm not in any way embarrassed to say "I don't know" at times. For what we call knowledge here on this   planet of seemingly all-knowing guys are nothing but dung to him, the Wise of the wise. Paul, one of the most learned Jews in the New Testament time, has spoken in 1 Corinthians 13:12:

                    Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face 
                    to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully 
                    known.

What we have at hand is but a portion of that vast reality we are not privileged to know as of yet. How true of Paul when he thought he knew everything that was moral and upright and then he met the Lord who changed his outlook of what he thought he already knew!

Just as I am tempted to gather my wits and forget my regular sleeping hours to research on stuff I am expected to be good at, here's this almost-a-century-old guy who brandished a new thought to me."It is okay to say I don't know about a lot of things. He went on to say, "This one thing I know. It is not wisdom that saves me. It's faith!" Faith even in the middle of stark uncertainty.

The dark almost always scares children. The unknown is like a faceless monster to us that prefer treading familiar pavements. Hence, we prepare for the uncertainties ahead. We study. We train. We search for answers. Unfortunately not all answers are visible. Hence, the fear. But faith says, "I believe." And it's not blind faith as some would tend to label this passion to trust in the God that is seemingly unseen and detached. It's faith in the heart of the Father that I always come home to at the end of the day.

POUR IT ALL, SUMMER

There's not much air to breathe right now. I'm awed, that's what! Awed at how little we know of the depth and breadth of God's possibilities for each one of us. Maybe all this is because I really am a worm.

At a worm's vantage, he can only see a portion of God's universe. In the same manner, he doesn't see what goes on in the heart of his creator that causes every force, friction, and motion in his world. It remains the same heart that stoops to every worm as I am and in his tenderness pulls us to where his sun and provision are. He secures us to where safety resides.

This summer, which I fervently hope (summoning all the positive powers of his possibilities) not to end soon. For while the restless summer beach waters sleep, I'm seeing God so big in the littlest details of my life, quite far better from what I have hoped for.

So, summer, drag me to your endless glorious heat!

SA SAPA SA PUERTO PRINCESA, PALAWAN

Lunhaw ang bulok

Sa imong lamurok nga aping.

Samtang nanghuyatid pa ang kalibutan,

Miabi-abi na ang mga bukton sa imong

Kalasangan.

Ang hapuhap sa imong tubig

Mao ray akong pangitaon

Inig suong na unya

Sa langob sa mga kwaknit ug

Pag-inusara.

Didto

Sa mga agay-ay

Sa mga lusparong kabatohan

Mahabilin ang akong

Pagkahingangha.

Mupauli ako nga adunahan

Mupanaw ako,

Gabitbit sa tinipik sa imong

Kaanyag.

WHERE DREAMS COME KNOCKING

God does love me.

Truly, there are good reasons why some unlikely changes have to take place in my life.  To a human who in his vantage point is capable of looking at things in his capacity as a rational being will naturally repel to the idea that goes against what is normally comfortable to him.

There are moments I get to feel small when I begin to compare myself with my other colleagues who have stayed well-compensated in a place where I used to hug as my work hall while I’m here in a small corner of a public school earning just barely enough for a family of three.  But moments like these are my unguarded times where I am free to spill my bare humanity to my creator, who while listening to my confused cries, remains understanding. And in his seeming silence, I deem it best that right after crying I remain in the posture of waiting and trusting.  I would not say this comes easy. It’s a long journey in the desert, I tell you.  I have no other means of surviving but through this.

And then all of a sudden, the old dreams that I dreamed came all at once not in drizzles but in torrents at a time when I don’t expect them.

I always thought for a dream to come true I have to have the cash, the connections and the courage. I don’t have the three, especially the third one. But now that I’m a Journalism teacher in an institution where I’m only content to work in a classroom with my 34 teen-agers eager to see how life turns with a new weird teacher, things simply began to fall into place. You do your honest day’s work and you get some surprises. Mine came in the form of me being snagged to coach a radio broadcasting team bound for the National School Press Conference.

My boss came up to me and told me to prepare no less than P10,000 for the travel and registration to the Palawan stint. I was thrilled with the thought of going to a dream world called Palawan! But I had to decline as I don’t have the money. I couldn’t produce the money needed even if we were promised a refund from the city local funds.

I told God that if He really wants me to go He would make me go come what may but if He has a better idea for me this summer then I wouldn’t mind. He’s God and remains God even if the sweetest of dreams have to crumble to pieces.

And then last Monday, March 20, my boss came up to me after the nth time and told me, “OK, prepare your things. You’re coaching the team with me, with or without your 10,000. You should not decline this offer to come with us. There are others who are dying to come. But you’re going with us!”

I was dumbfounded. But I heard him right. God does love me.

You bet, I’m going to Palawan with the team!

ANG IMONG MGA BALAK

Ang imong mga balak


Mao ang mga higot nga naghugpong


Sa mga lipak-kawayan


Sa atong bungbong.






Ug ang imong mga tinutukan


Mao ang kisame nga musagang


Sa atong atop-amakan kung kini


Unya magabok, mahunlak.